The Perfect Present
by SuicidalToeSocks
Summary: Saturn had gotten Jupiter the greatest and most thoughtful present for her birthday, and it's her turn to return the favor, but she can't think of a single thing that would compare! And recruiting Mars helping isn't doing Jupiter any favors, either...


**A/N: Happy Surprise Birthday, Blake Wilson! I bet you weren't expecting this, were you? I'm a sneaky one, alright!**

**Anyway, this is Blake Wilson's birthday present, because his love of Team Galactic appears to be bigger than mine of EliteUndershipping, which is a big deal. (But it does not outgrow my fangirlism for Miles Edgeworth, so there.)**

**And the one part... it's a bit of an inside joke. But funny nonetheless, I promise. Or rather, I hope. I never seem to be able to write TG the way they SHOULD be, they always turn out cracky and odd.**

**I do hereby disclaim this whole thing, save for the plot, to the creators of pokemon, Mr. Tajiri himself. May he never find out what I'm doing to his poor, poor characters.**

Jupiter paced her room briskly, her heels tapping on the floor in what would seem like an impatient manner. One hand was rubbing her chin, and the other was held behind her back, and she was hunched over in deep thought. Mars was swinging her feet over the edge of the bed playfully and watching her fellow Commander pace.

"You could always throw him a surprise party." she suggested. Jupiter waved that thought away impatiently.

"No, he'd be expecting it. And besides, he's just not a party person. He's very much like the boss in some respects."

"How about making him a cake? Everybody likes cake! Plus it'd be all special and heartfelt, and he'd be all 'Oh Jupiter, how thoughtful of you! And this cake is delicious, but not as delicious as you, so let's make out and stuff because I totally _loooooooove_ you OHM NOM NOM NOM'" Mars held her arms out as if she were holding on to another person and closed her eyes, her tongue lolling out and swirling around obnoxiously and messily. Jupiter rolled her eyes.

"No. Besides, you look like you're trying to eat a giant ice cream cone, and that's not how people kiss, you of all people should know that, Miss 'That Dawn girl who defeated me at Valley Windworks was _soooo_ cute!'" Jupiter snapped. She continued her pacing when Mars stopped to glare at her. "I have to get him something he won't be expecting, something original, and something awesome, but something he would appreciate."

"Bacon!" Mars suddenly forgot her pouty mood and sat straight up on the bed. Jupiter raised an eyebrow at her friend.

"Excuse me?"

"Bacon! Every guy loves bacon!" she said. "Have you ever met a guy that _doesn't_ like bacon? I mean, if someone were to make a perfume that smelled like bacon, I'm sure that guys would follow the girl who wore it like drooling Growlithe puppies. You could make him bacon!"

"...Are you suggesting they make a perfume that smells like greasy strips of meat that have to be fried in a pan of more oil in order to be eaten?"

"Stay focused here, Jupiter. Bacon, just make him bacon and everything falls into place." Mars seemed to be plotting something in her head as she said those words. "And he'll totally be yours after that, because every guy loves bacon!"

"Would you stop talking about it like he and I are going to get together?" she snapped. "Because we're not, this is just his birthday and I want to pay him back for the gift he got me for my birthday."

"Well, then go catch him a pokemon. It has to be a good one, though, because he sure did pick a great one for you. I mean, a Smoochum. It's adorable, _and_ it looks kinda like you!"

"I know that. But I don't want it to seem unoriginal. I want it to be something he wants."

"You're turning this into a bigger deal than it should be." Mars said knowingly. "It's a sure sign you like him, admit it."

"I do not!"

"You do so. The way you talk about him is way too obvious. Besides, I bet you haven't noticed him looking at you, have you? He does it all the time. It doesn't help much with that uniform of yours, showing off that leg and all."

"Mars, go take a long walk off a short cliff, would you? Tell me what you find out there." Jupiter dropped herself into a chair and rubbed circles into her eyes with her thumbs, her pacing forgotten. Saturn was such a hard person to figure out sometimes. Sure, in missions, he was probably the easiest to read out of the three of them, and his intelligence combined with her superior field skills were more than enough to get any job done Cyrus had to throw at them. But when the day ended, they became two completely different people. Jupiter would stick her her room and Saturn would retire to his, and any hallways conversation or lunchroom small talk would be awkward and much too business-y for any fun to come of it.

"No-can-do, Jupi." she giggled, hopping off the bed and over to her friend, resting an arm around her shoulder. "However, I'm pretty fantastic at making cake, and I could help you with that part. I can also make a mean cheesecake! Everyone loves cheesecake!"

"If you suggest we make it bacon-flavored, I'm never going to eat your cooking again."

"Yeah, well..." Mars stood back, glaring at Jupiter as she looked her up and down, "You smell like crayons and dirt! How do you feel about that?" She put her hands on her hips as if she had won that battle. "Hm? I bet you feel stupid now, don't you?"

"No, I feel like I'd rather smell like crayons and dirt than bacon." she replied. "Be serious, Mars! What can I do? I owe him, after all. I mean, the poor guy had to spend a mission with me. I'm pretty damn bossy, you know I am. And after he gave me a nice present and everything–"

"Come on, we're going to make him a cake, and then we can decide what to do about the present part." Mars took her arm and dragged her into the hall towards the kitchen. "For a hard-ass commander, you sure are being a whimp about this whole birthday thing."

Xxxx

"Okay, so now we leave it in the fridge to cool down, and you have a lovely cheesecake for his birthday." Mars kissed the tips of her fingers and scattered them into the air. "Magnificent!"

Jupiter was seated on the counter, one leg crossed over the other, and a horrifying pink and frilly apron strapped around her. Her arms were crossed. She was not pleased.

"Except this didn't take care of the actual problem part of it." She muttered. Mars rolled her eyes.

"Well, come on, while that's in the fridge, we'll go out into town and see if we can find anything. I mean, this _is_ Veilstone, after all. If push comes to shove, we can just hire him a couple of ladies for a night–"

"No." Jupiter stood abruptly, smacking a fist on the counter. "He is a professional. Professionals don't hire whores for the night, nor do they accept them as birthday gifts! And it would be a very tasteless gift besides! I don't want him to think I think about that kind of thing all the time!"

Mars leaned into the doorway, a very knowing smirk twitching her mouth upwards. She drummed her fingers against her arm and raised one eyebrow. "Okay, calm down Jupi. I was just kidding, but if you really want to get all hardcore serious about it, I can go with that. After all, you're certainly not vetoing it because you like him and would be jealous or anything, so let's just drop the subject and head into town, shall we?"

She resisted the urge to throw various kitchen utensils, especially the sharp ones, at Mars and pulled the horrible pink apron off herself before stalking out of the kitchen with a click of her heels on the tile floor. Asking Mars had not been a good idea. She was sure that Cyrus himself would be better at coming up with a present for the other commander. Of course, Jupiter didn't have a chance to go ask the man, as Mars grabbed her wrist securely and pushed open the glass doors of the building and propelled them into the sunshine of a day much too pleasant for the situation.

She sidestepped a couple of drunks who were busy singing some sort of childhood song with their arms slung around each other's shoulders, most likely heading home from a night of gambling and partying. As they passed, Mars slung an arm around Jupiter herself to whisper in her ear.

"See? _They_ know how to have a fun time! Why can't you loosen up like them?"

"Because I'm not a drunken idiot." she replied, shrugging the arm off of her shoulder. Before she could stop her though, Mars turned around and cupped her hands around her mouth.

"Hey, you guys!" The two men stumbled a little as they turned, arms still draped heavily around each other. Their singing stopped. "Yeah, you guys! If you were gonna get someone something for their birthday, what would it be?"

The two men stood for a moment, apparently thinking as much as their slurred minds could, and finally one pointed out at the Veilstone Department store with a shaky hand. "They's got some sorta – sorta birthday gram singin' thing up there somewhere, they go an' ser-anade the birthday kid. I'd do that one." He nodded solidly, agreeing with himself. "Yup, that's what I'd do."

The two men turned around and began belting out the Happy Birthday song, coming up with their own lyrics when the song was over the first time. Mars turned with a broad smile on her face.

"Oh no. A singing birthday gram is a stupid idea–"

"Come on, let's go!" Again, Mars latched on to her wrist and began dragging her to the building. When Jupiter would usually wrench her hand away and fight back, retorting and yelling, she had no strength anymore to do so. Saturn's birthday was today, and she had managed to avoid him all morning to keep the fact that she had no present for him a secret. She was done, anything was better than nothing.

So she gave in and let Mars drag her through the Department store to the top floor where, she was told, the 'singers' would be waiting...

Xxxx

"He's going to think I'm insane."

"He's going to think you're awesome." Mars put a finger to her lips and shushed Jupiter. "Now, shut up, you don't want him hearing you!"

"Mars, there's no point!" Juipter clapped a palm to her face. "Even if, on the off chance that he _did_ like it, there's no point in hiding, because he'll know it's from me as soon as they're done singing!"

"Shut up, there he is!" the red-haired commander wrapped her hand around Jupiter's moving mouth to silence her as the singing men knocked on his room door. Mars had taken the initiative to quarantine the hallway so unsuspecting Grunts wouldn't stop them. Slowly Saturn's door opened and Jupiter felt Mars's excitement shaking through her through the hand over her mouth. But the sinking feeling in her gut was falling deeper and deeper.

"What..?" Saturn raised an eyebrow at the group of five men standing around him, all smiling happily.

"Yarr, we be yer singin' Birthday Gram, o' course!" the first man, winking at the commander and adjusting the three-cornered hat on his head. "Ready lads? On tha count o' three!"

Jupiter was blushing_ for_ Saturn, though he was doing a pretty fine job of blushing himself as a group of five men dressed as pirates began singing him Happy Birthday in the middle of the hallway, where all the Commander's headquarters were located. Currently, Jupiter and Mars were peeking around the corner of Mars' doorway, but surely enough, the others began to poke their heads out of their respective rooms to look at the commotion of five octaves of happy birthday being proclaimed to someone in a series of gruff voices that pronounced their R's particularly crisp.

The snickers began when a second verse was added, and Saturn only stood there, staring at them in horror, probably willing them to go away with his mind and failing. However, the heads of the other commanders slowly pulled themselves in and shut the door, deciding that this wasn't as amusing as it could have been. The only remaining pairs of eyes were those of Jupiter and Mars, who were staying to watch until the end. Or rather, in Jupiter's case, to see how much he'd despise her when it was all over and done with.

"Yarr, this be yer singin' birthday gram, given to ya by yer very own coworker, Miss Jupit-ar." Jupiter watched in horror as his face changed at the mention of her name. The pirate captain tipped his hat at him. "She be a mighty fine piece o' woman, that one. Consid-arr yourself a lucky dog." And just like that, the pirates turned and left, leaving a hollow silence as they trooped out, back to the Department store. Saturn shut his door and Jupiter, forgetting her composure as a commander, sunk to the floor and let out a loud moan of unhappiness.

"Arceus, why did you talk me into that, Mars?" she asked. Mars patted her shoulder in a would-be reassuring way.

"He loved it, don't worry."

On those words, Jupiter stood abruptly to her feet and stalked out of the room, her heels making a dull thud on the carpeted floor. She whipped past Grunts who usually looked up to and admired their leader, but now were looking at her in her flushing rage with curiosity and wariness. What had happened to make their commander so angry? But none would stop to find out; they would all just scurry away to their work without a second glance, afraid of facing the wrath of Jupiter.

Jupiter continued stomping down hallways and flights of stairs until she reached her destination; the kitchen. The door swung shut behind her, but she didn't really care to stop it as it locked in place with a bang. Listening to Mars had gotten her where? Now one friend less and one more awkward person to have to pretend to be pleasant around When they were forced to interact. Why couldn't she have just gotten him a gift card? Nice and simple, didn't require much thought, and Saturn could go out and buy whatever he wanted from it. But no, she had to take the hard way out.

She nabbed a fork from the drawer, snapped it shut, and stalked toward the fridge. The cold air that hit her face was sudden, but just as suddenly it was gone and Jupiter stood completely straight, the birthday cheesecake in one hand and the fork in the other. Well, if she couldn't look Saturn straight in the face again without remembering a stupid pirate singing happy birthday, then she wouldn't let the cheesecake go to waste. She jumped up, sat on the counter, and stuck her fork into the exact middle. The delicious cheesecake that didn't care if she sent singing pirates to wish someone happy birthday. The delicious cheesecake was her friend. Her very best friend, now that Mars was, she had just discovered, a total moron.

She had just scooped out a giant lump right out from the middle of the big HAPPY BIRTHDAY written in chocolate on the front when she heard the kitchen door open. She gritted her teeth but didn't bother to look around the fridge to her left to see who it was, she was positive on their identity anyway. "Mars, get out of here, I don't want to talk to you."

"Mars?"

Jupiter nearly dropped the cheesecake in surprise. Saturn? Really? Of all the times to catch her off guard, it was after he had been mortified by her birthday gram, and now he was going to see her sitting on the countertop, shoveling chunks of _his_ cheesecake into her mouth. Way to go, Jupiter.

"Oh. Sorry, I figured you were Mars." She said lamely. Of _course_ she thought it was Mars, she had said so in the beginning! Where was her attitude when she needed it? Why was she losing her tough, now of all times?

"So," He put his hands in his pockets and focused on some point off to his left as if there couldn't be something more interesting in the world. She was very glad, because he'd have seen the giant hole she had burrowed in the cheesecake, leaving the "Happy" part that curved around the top, the B and the Y on birthday, and the "Saturn" that ran the curve of the bottom of the glass baking dish. "Today is my birthday, you know."

She tried to scoot the cheesecake behind her on the counter, hiding the words from view. "Is it now? I, uh, had no idea." _You're a bad liar._ said a little voice inside of her. Funny, that voice had never spoken up when she had lied before...

"Guess what I got for my first present of the day?" There was a little half-smile on his face when he turned to look at her now. She cursed her face for flushing. Where was her badass outer-shell now? When she needed it most?

"What–"

"A Birthday Gram." He said. There was a glint in his eye she had seen only a handful of times before. Usually, his eyes were dark, hidden and secretive. Like they knew everything, but hell if they were going to ever let _you_ in on their secret. "Some singing pirates showed up at my door. Imagine that." He folded his arms and walked over, leaning one hip against the counter next to her. She scooted the cheesecake around to the other side of her. "Can you imagine who sent it?"

She knew damn well he knew it was her, she had seen the pirate captain tell him she was the one who sent it. He was just trying to toy with her mind now, trying to get her to give something away. But it was working, and she bit her lip.

"About that..." She gave him an uncertain look. "First of all, Mars was the one who made me do it because I couldn't think of a better present for you! And she was so pushy and I was worried I wouldn't have time to get your present for your birthday except then we were told about it by some drunk guys and then the pirates sang at you and everyone saw and–" Jupiter was abruptly silenced by Saturn's hand covering her mouth, his eyes doing more of that twinkling thing.

"You didn't have to go through all that trouble for me." he said, a hint of a smile crossing his features. "Besides, a cake would have sufficed."

When he took his hand away, she blinked a few times. Okay, so he didn't hate her? What did that mean, aside from her never being able to look at him without thinking about pirates, of course. However, she tried to push that thought out of the way and she reached behind her to grab hold of the pan.

"Well, if you'd like some cheesecake..." She held out the mostly-devoured present bearing his name. "I, uh, found this. No idea where it came from."

Saturn laughed and took her fork to shovel in himself. "This is really good!" He jumped up and sat on the counter next to her and took the pan into his own lap. "Thanks, Jupi."

She shuddered at his nickname. It came so naturally from him! She very much liked it, she decided.

"You know, you could have also gotten me some bacon or something." he said in thought. She dropped her fork to the counter with a clatter.

"Bacon."

"Yeah. Have you ever met a guy that _doesn't_ like bacon? I mean, if someone were to make a perfume that smelled like bacon, I'm sure that guys would follow the girl who wore it like drooling Growlithe puppies!"

"Mars said..." Jupiter shook her head in defeat. "Nevermind. Eat your cheesecake, and happy birthday."

**A/N: I didn't know where to end it. The ending ruined it. Totally ruined it. **

**I couldn't find a place to throw in the PIXIE reference! D: I'm sorry Blake!**

**Happy (Belated by an hour and approximately nine minutes) Birthday, I hope it was your most spectacular ever!**


End file.
